Last week I spent some time drawing. I haven’t drawn in such a long time. All my attention lately has been on watercolours and trying to build my skill in them. I found myself scrolling through the artwork of artists I admire and comparing my fledgling talent to their hard earned skills. I then worked through a cycle of pushing myself to do what they do, procrastinating from working on the pieces I started, then feeling so horrible about my lack of skill and how poorly I spent my time. That is why this orchid painting took so long and will now never be finished.
This heady pursuit has coincided with some added strain at work, which unfortunately also overlaps into my personal sources of centeredness (long story, vague sentence).
I see my creative life as my real life and make a point of reminding myself that it is what truly matters to me. The desire to escape from my work strain meant I have put more pressure on my art to be ‘successful’ because I see it as my ticket out. Sadly, this took all the joy out of it and resulted in a depression and withdrawal cycle.
It’s never easy when this happens, but it is nice that I am at a place where I was able to see the chains that lead to it, and work though the hardest part in a week. I’m still feeling some of the residue, but I feel like I’m in the clear (as long as there are no sudden shocks thrown at me this week).
My drawing took me back to my bliss, the reason I create, the reason why my creative life is my true life. I finished the drawing, felt the flow come back and moved onto the next project. No matter how far my skills progress, I am only working on them to strengthen the basics, which is where my bliss lives… that, and I need to work on my work boundaries again to stop it from bleeding into my actual life. The work of life is never ending.