Dreams are light, soft and filled with the rainbow vapours of potential. All my life, I dreamt of being an artist, even though life was being lived and the dream was pushed to the side, as often happens.
About three years ago, I decided that the dream of being an artist would be a good dream to come back to. I was lost and wanted to find my bliss again. Two years ago, I began focusing on developing my skills and technique so the art I created could show the depth and life that I saw when I closed my eyes. One year ago, I saw that there may be potential for the lofty dream of being an ‘artist’ to become a reality. Six months ago, I began working towards a hope of being able to make enough money on the side from my art so I could cut back on work, just one day a week, and have more time to live as the ‘artist’ I felt I was becoming.
Little by little, I pulled my dream closer and closer to reality. But reality is heavy, grimy, and weighted with the dirt of expectation and fear. My light fluffy rainbow dreams mixed with the dirt and grime and produced rain. Unpredictable, refreshing, cold rain. And I have no idea what to do next. Do I enjoy the rain while it lasts? Do I go inside and watch? Maybe I should go get a rain coat, but then I risk it stopping while I am off looking through my cupboard.
In the last month I have opened an Etsy store, created and launched this website, went through the whole process of figuring out how to get artworks photographed and printed, and opened commission spaces. Not to mention the Photoshop and WordPress skills I have had to teach myself. I look at the seasoned artists, who I admire, and envy at how quickly they seem to be able to produce artworks, with skills that still live in those fluffy dream clouds of mine, and then create and sell prints. The reality of not only being, but becoming, an artist is not what I imagined when this was all still a dream. It has been hard, it has been confronting, it has been exciting… And I still don’t know if it is going to even work out.
In the video below, Jason Silva says “What we glimpse in our most perfect moments hints at what we might become”. In my efforts to make dreams a reality in the last three years, I have seen glimpses of who I might be and who I want to be. Often I find myself too scared to even try though. What becomes of me if I try and I don’t become those things? What if I journey through all of this and at the end just discover that I am nothing but a small time dreamer? If that is all I will be after trying, why even try?
At the same time, I can’t stop now. Despite the fear and the toll this fear is having on my emotions and state of wellbeing, it appears that I am going to keep going. I imagine most people will read this and wonder how painting and selling my work could ever be so dramatic. I wonder that too and have to question if this is worth it if I am so poorly equipped to handle something which should be easy. Is it easy though? I didn’t see the struggle of any of the artists who I admire, maybe it was confronting for them too. Maybe someone, somewhere, will find it encouraging that I found it such a struggle.
Art is a journey, not a result. So as I keep moving forward, I have to remember that I do not know who the person I will become is. I have never met them. It is only through the journey that I will find out.
<3