Why do I make art? Why do I create, paint and draw? I think the expected answer is ‘It allows me to express myself and communicate my inner most self with the world’. In the spirit of honesty I’m going to say nope, that’s not it. The short answer is really ‘I don’t know’. I just do it, I like doing it and I keep doing it, so it must be a thing I do.
Then I have to ask myself, what do I like about it? I know that I enjoy the challenge. Trying techniques, making a blank surface with a few lines and blobs appear as something. Those moments when I feel like the smallest touch changed the whole direction of a piece. The little things that go unnoticed but have made a piece what it is. When I take a risk and it works. When I look at something I have made and just feel joy that I brought it into existence.
The pieces I create which bring me joy need to have something about them which I admire, much like how I admire the art of others. I glimpse at some artworks and wonder if I will ever feel that same awe when I look at a piece made by my own hands. So I persevere and try to emulate all that I have been inspired by. That is why I create. Perhaps that is me trying to communicate my inner most self with the world.
As I am sure all creatives know, the flip side of admiration is inferiority. When I look at these works, I can’t help feeling that I am worlds away from being able to create something which inspires and moves me the way these artist do. Much of what motivates me is technique and how it communicates sensations so when I compare my work to others, I can see clearly how far I have to go and it is so, so disheartening.
Here is the part where I am meant to say ‘we are all on different journeys and we find our own way’, or something equally positive and affirming. But nope, I want to be able to make what these artists have made. Anything else is a consolation prize. I know what I want for my art, and it is much more than what I am currently able to do, which is terrifying. The task ahead of me is so utterly daunting that it often makes me want to put the brush down and never pick it up again.
However, as I write I realise that I have one thing which makes all the difference- I know what I want. I might not be where I want to be, but I know where I am aiming. In the last few years my style and preferences have grown and developed and I have come to understand my strengths and weaknesses. I might not be producing exactly what I hope but the insight I have gained on the way has helped me to set a course and figure out exactly what I want. Each piece I create makes that vision clearer, which means I gain insight into what my next step will be.
I can compare my skills to others, or I can be inspired and motivated by them. It is all about perspective. Will I continue to compare my work to the work of others? Of course, and I will most certainly always feel inferior no matter how my skills and processes develop. But at the very least I know that every sense of admiration and inferiority has carried me this far and will also carry me towards whatever is next.