It’s been a long journey. That’s a fairly cliche opening but it is, nonetheless, very true. In October my first solo exhibit is being held at Platform Gallery in Katoomba and the works I have created for it aren’t just the sum of all my hours planning, developing and painting, they are the amalgamation of the last six years of my life. Get comfy, this post is lengthy.
Exactly six years ago, on the day of my exhibition opening, I was leaving for a trip to Melbourne with my then husband and his mother who was visiting from the UK. A few months prior to this I had quit my ‘job’ as a religious teacher and missionary with a new age religion, which I had been involved in since 2001 and working with for five years. This work had taken a toll on me and my marriage so I was looking forward to this trip as a chance for my husband and I to spend some time together and mend, or at least that is what I was hoping.
The trip was horrible. I tried to engage and be with my husband but from the moment we left he was cold and barely looked at me. When we slept he moved to the far side of the bed and turned away from me. I tried to be accepting, we had been through a difficult time and I knew I would have to work hard to fix things I had damaged. His mum was visiting and I didn’t want to bring it up and ruin the time they had together.
The day his mum left to go back to England I asked my husband what was happening. His response: ‘About that, I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce’. My world shattered on the spot. ‘Video Games’ by Lana Del Ray was playing. It was the 23rd October 2013, the night before our nine year wedding anniversary. We had been together for eleven years.
Following the usual things you would expect from this abrupt ending, my parents took me in and did all they could to get me through. I felt abandoned, that everything I was and all the choices I had made in my life had made me unlovable and unwanted. Who else could be to blame? He hadn’t changed, he had tolerated my depressions and phases for eleven years. The only explanation as far as I could see was that he had, very understandably, had enough of me. I had lost meaningful contact with many friends over the years, I had cut off support networks and friends within the religious group when I left it, and now my husband no longer loved or wanted me. I was back in the mountains, back with my parents and was facing countless unknowns as all the life choices I had made over the previous decade imploded. I was failing to find any reason for me to keep on existing. My sense of worth and value was non-existent, I honestly felt I was a waste of the time and energy anyone had given me. I believed beyond doubt that anyone who gave their time and help was doing so because they were good and kind and that is what good people do when someone they know is in trouble, not because I warranted support. I had an ample catalogue of failures and proof to back all of these beliefs up.
Over the next two years I fell apart and withdrew. Red flags were raised and I was monitored closer and closer as my coping mechanisms became more dysfunctional. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder, which at the very least explained some of how I had ended up where I was. I was lucky that my parents took so much responsibility and care of me and I was able to avoid being admitted to hospitals.
After long absences from life and work and a lot of therapy, I was accepted to join a DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) program in November of 2015. By this time I had also met someone, he pushed me out of my comfort zone during the slightly better times and held me through hard nights. He knew I wanted to trust him even though I said I wanted nothing serious. I started drawing and painting, just to give myself something to enjoy. I started dancing. I met people who were like minded, kind and understanding. These people were passionate and driven in their creativity and encouraged me to do the same. I put my art out there, friends said they liked what I created and wanted to buy it. People asked for commissioned artworks. I branched out and tried more things. I tried selling and promoting at markets. My family encouraged me and supported me. New and old friendships started to grow. I began making choices for my own wellbeing and feeling like I was allowed to do that.
When Kelly at Platform Gallery offered me the opportunity to exhibit, it was beyond what I imagined I could achieve and something that I would never have believed possible this time six years ago. I knew that I wanted to take this chance to explore how my experience of living with a personality disorder had informed and influenced my choices, responses and relationships, not just over the last six years but throughout my life.
I have so often found myself emotionally crippled, unable to make a decision to move forward or make changes out of fear that I would make a choice which would leave me alone and abandoned. I have stayed in situations I should have left and missed opportunities I should have taken. I have kept people at arms length who I should have embraced and maintained relationships and friendships that were toxic for me, all out of fear of being abandoned. As long as everything is the same, I feel I can manage because there are no unexpected turns which could send my emotions spiralling out of control. It didn’t matter if a relationship or situation was hard, painful, toxic or stifling, staying still was better than taking a risk and being abandoned. However, I struggled to accept where I was despite my decision to make no decision, which lead to regular bouts of sometimes severe depression.
Over these six years it has not been the major events that have shaped me. I have been made by the inane, monotonous moments where I have pondered if accepting my situation or resisting it was what I wanted. I was moulded during the time I took to build the confidence to act on my choice, or to even make a choice. These moments in between moments where the foundations for choices are made is what I wanted to explore in my works for this exhibition. I have done this for me and have learnt so much through each piece. Now I am ready to share this journey with you.
Below are links to all the pieces and their associated blogs.Thank you for sharing this with me.
Karen