Watercolour, pencil, soft pastel & pen on paper.
25.5 cmW x 37.5cmH (Frame 38.7 cmW x 50.7 cmH)
“Abridged” was a concept that was long in the making.
In 2015 I began a DBT program (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and a component of this is about Interpersonal Relationships. I found this the most difficult part of DBT because it was not something that I could independently work on. Interpersonal relationships, naturally, involve other people and at some level you have to engage and open up to others in order to learn and practice the skills. Essentially, this component taught me to see that there is a real difference between ‘what people think of me’ and ‘what I think people think of me’.
Relationships are always complex, perhaps the most complex part of being human, but living with a personality disorder turns relationships into active landmines. I find it difficult to discern between reality and the scenarios I create in my mind so any interaction leads to a complicated mess of possibility which I emotionally confuse with reality. A break down of a normal everyday interaction would be as follows:
From the moment a connection with another person begins, I assess what I say and do, and often what I feel, and then critic myself and my responses based on the reactions of the other person. So far this is a normal part of the communication process. Most of us are wired to read and respond to subtle, non-verbal cues without mentally acknowledging them. I, on the other hand, am hyper aware of all of those small cues.
It is as if a slight twitch of a hand is as big a statement as a nod of the head to specifically say ‘yes’. There could be any number of meanings behind that hand twitch: boredom; discomfort; moving to reach a phone then changing your mind; annoyance; agreement; preparing to say something; nothing…the list goes on. These small gestures do not have such clear meaning, if any, but I still read them as if they are fact. For each of those possible meanings I create a chain of cause and effect to prepare myself for where that will lead and I am geared for these to all be worse case scenarios. I live countless horrible timelines of despair, rejection and disappointment in microseconds, then I catch the next cue.
On a good day I can keep this at bay and use DBT skills to put reality in perspective. On bad days, this exhausts me and confuses me to say the least, especially because I will continue to analyse the whole interaction long after I have gone home and am by myself. When I am spiralling, the world in my head and reality blurs and all the harsh critique I place on myself is mistaken for how people really perceive me. I feel like everyone sees me as a horrible, pitiful, lazy, inconsiderate, burden of a human because I see those things in myself and magnify them by using other people’s opinions to ‘fact check’ (note: opinions which I have fabricated based on hyper-vigilant attention to interactions and no actual proof). I withdraw and can’t face seeing all these people who must hate me, especially since I will obviously make it worse.
Over the years, this has lead me to censor and regulate anything I say and share. The less I say and do, the easier it is for me to work through the self-checking process. Doing this not only prevents things that I am scared of, it also hides away so many of my good qualities and my sense of self. I am forever only showing the smallest part of me, and the unintentional victim is my creativity and freedom.
When I look at “Abridged”, it is hard to know if she is closing up her chest to hide herself, or opening it to let all her self out. On her arm there is a basic tattoo of a rose, a cheap imitation of who she truely is inside. Her skin, the largest part of her self she shows the world, is grey and almost lifeless. While stars and gentle mist float around the flowers, there is almost a gloom around her. The self I show the world is always an abridged version, I don’t know if I will ever be brave enough to be me. This piece may be the closest I get.
If you are interested in giving “Abridged” a space in your world, please contact Platform Gallery directly.
Accept/Resist 11th-28th October
Platform Gallery
194 Katoomba St, Katoomba, NSW 2780
Ph: 02 4742 0047
E: hello@platformgallery.co
W: www.platformgallery.co