Watercolour, pencil & pen on paper.
37.5cmW x 25.5 cmH (Framed 50.7 cmW x 38.7 cmH)
I found this piece difficult to write about. At first I thought its intention was clear but as I contemplated and removed myself from the work, it started to become more layered and writing about it unravelled my emotions.
A woman lays next to a body which has long turned to stone, or perhaps it was stone to start with. The stone is creeping up her limbs and ivy is growing around her. She is becoming part of the landscape, part of the scenery. Even as I write this, I don’t think I have fully processed or healed from the emotions that brought this piece into life which is shown in how literal the imagery is. There is no room for subtlety or grey areas, just raw emotion.
I have always struggled with adjustment and longed to find somewhere I belonged and felt safe. I think it is very human to wish for the days before we knew that life was finite, our parents were god and there was security and certainty. For some of us that bubble burst much sooner than for others. When I was with my husband, I would lay next to him of a night and think ‘it doesn’t matter what happens or how hard it is, as long as I have these arms to sleep in’. Returning to those arms was almost a mantra on difficult days. I fabricated a sense of safety to replicate the security I so desperately missed from my youth. I knew it wasn’t true but it was a reprieve from the emotional pressure that ate away at me.
I know beyond doubt now that those arms were simply a band-aid. I knew it at the time but I was young and naive enough to almost believe it. The end of out marriage ripped the last of the facade away and I know I will never be able to skim even close to finding relief from my mortality again. I say that like it was a surprise, but I knew very well at the time that if we ended things that would be the case. So, despite being unhappy and unfulfilled in my relationship for many years, I chose to stay. I chose to stay and wither away rather than face my deepest fears and my vibrancy turned to stone. It is not just him I have done this with, this is a long standing pattern of mine in relationships and life.
I cannot blame myself for this choice, I can still feel that thing I was avoiding when I sought safety in his arms. I feel fear when I sense it but now I can also accept that it isn’t going away, no matter what I do or how many covers I hide under. Now I choose to accept it even though I still long for a time and place where it doesn’t exist.
If you are interested in giving “Choice” a space in your world, please contact Platform Gallery directly.
Accept/Resist 11th-28th October
Platform Gallery
194 Katoomba St, Katoomba, NSW 2780
Ph: 02 4742 0047
E: hello@platformgallery.co
W: www.platformgallery.co