Watercolour, pencil & pen on paper.
20cmW x 20cmH (Frame 33.2 cmW x 22.2 cmH)
Content warning: Self harm and suicidal ideation.
Although I am fairly open about my history of self harm, I don’t talk about it often. It is hardly a conversation you bring up accidentally or anecdotally. I feel people see acts of self harm as either attention seeking or they don’t really know what to say or how to respond to it. There is a lot which still isn’t understood about self harm and it is either avoided, vilified or at times even glorified, which is heartbreaking for me to see.
“Self Sabotage 1” 
“Self Sabotage 2” 
“Self Sabotage 3”
Self harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism, much like self medicating. I didn’t know how to manage all the emotions I was experiencing and this was a way I found to help me dull and organise the storm of feelings. Sometime it was driven by a sense of loathing towards myself and my incompetence. At other times it was about seeking pain to distract me from the storm. No matter which, I would only have the briefest of moments of reprieve before guilt for what I had done would double down and make it worse. You might ask why I did it if that was the case- It often felt like it was the only choice left to me to stop the next round of thoughts which took me to places where the damage done would be far worse or even permanent.
Every time I did it I felt shame. Once family and friends found out I just became more vigilant in hiding marks because I felt I had failed them. Every time I would look at what I had done the next day and realise I was starting back at square one again. With therapy and support, the times in between episodes were longer and longer, though the urge to do it when I spiral is still almost physical. For the longest time it was how I managed my emotions without having to burden other people, but it wasn’t sustainable.
When I was developing the idea of how to portray this part of my life, I didn’t want to create anything too obvious or stark. The act itself was always hidden away in plain sight. I imagined it was like an angel burning away her own wings- there was no point to the act but how else could she ‘appear human’ unless she got rid of them, just as I didn’t know how else to function. This is where the thought of burning feathers came in. I made these pieces small, I hope that their size is what will make them stand out from the other works. Just like my scars, they are small and subtle, but they will now always be there.
It took therapy and hard work for me to replace this coping mechanism with healthier and more productive strategies, but it is possible. While it was never attention seeking, it was a call for help. If you or someone you know needs support, please reach out. Below are support hotlines you can contact who I have used several times:
Lifeline:
13 11 14
https://www.lifeline.org.au/
Beyond Blue:
1300 22 4636
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
“Self Sabotage” is three separate works. If you are interested in giving “Self Sabotage” 1, 2 or 3 a space in your world, please contact Platform Gallery directly.
Accept/Resist 11th-28th October
Platform Gallery
194 Katoomba St, Katoomba, NSW 2780
Ph: 02 4742 0047
E: hello@platformgallery.co
W: www.platformgallery.co