Bearing the how

I am really bad at this blog thing. There are so many things on my mind around my creative journey and I want to share them, especially since that is why I started Whipit. However, reality seems to be overtaking my original intentions. I don’t know if I should be accepting or resisting this. Now onto the actual post.

September has already been a full month. I’ve pushed myself hard and ended up spending the last week in bed with a nasty cold and migraine. Well, other than when I got up to do the ‘non-negotiables’ like work a market and a couple of meetings to move things forward. That might be the reason I was sick for a week instead of a day or two. I would probably have been sicker if not for the support of family and friends.

This level of work is raising a lot of uncertainty for me. When I was in active recovery in the couple of years after my breakdown and bpd diagnosis I was very very careful not to overload myself. Saying no and making sure I had ample down time were top priorities. Even a little pressure, real or perceived, would trigger a depression or old behaviours.

Fast forward to the present- I have a real focus and, dare I say, goals. This means that I am willing to do more and push myself. I’ve no doubt quoted it before, but as Nietzsche said “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how”. But while I might be willing to push myself beyond anything I thought, I constantly question if I should.

On top of that, life is changing. As I become more focused my energy is moving away from things that I use to do. Dynamics in relationships are changing as I am pulled further into this intangible thing. Some in good ways, and some in awkward ways. There just isn’t enough time to socialize the way I used to. It’s sad, but I so enjoy my time creating. It brings me the kind of joy I can feel in my chest.

I’m having to let go of things that I wouldn’t have let go of before. One example is how I’m perceived and perceive myself at my day job. I just don’t feel as concerned about the in-work drama that I was. While it is nice, it is coupled with guilt as I try to adjust to my new priorities.

September really drew a lot of new lines for me. So many markets, moving into the studio, a creativity blurt, new connections made and opportunities offered because of all that work… then getting so sick and deciding that my day job would take the hit for those days rather than my financially unviable artistic life (not that I even got to the studio on those days anyway). I always thought the choice to live creatively would be clear and well defined, but the closer I get to the core the more undefined my choices are becoming. I think I will have some difficult choices coming soon. I know what I will choose, but that won’t make the choices any easier.

For now, I’ll be taking October easy to regroup and repair, and then will hit the ground running for big events in November. No better way to spend the time while I wait for the end I guess.