Let’s talk depression. Because what could possibly be a better topic for a midweek pick-me-up during a global pandemic?
I have touched base on my personal mental health experience before, though I don’t want to make it a real focal point of this blog. There are ample other blogs, resources and services that tackle this topic but occasionally it does become relevant to my creative experience. Or lack of creative experience as I am about to explore.
I often hear and read about people who use art to express their emotions and release them. I tried to make this my reality (see featured image from 2016) but, honestly, I actually just like learning technique and building skills. This means my blue periods usually result in a series of ‘girls gazing down’ portraits. Once I accepted this part of my creativity and stopped imposing what art is ‘meant’ to be for an artist, I had some space to explore the ‘why’ of my art. At this point, I would describe my art and creativity as a means for me to process my emotions rather than to express them. I rarely start with a plan for my personal work and tend to just move, add and make changes as I feel is needed. I might start with a theme or a concept in my head but once the first mark is made the work takes on a life of its own. I am often surprised by the insights each work gives me as much as I am the visual outcome.
Lately I have hit a road bock with my creativity. I struggle to get started and I struggle to feel good about my work. While I was idly staring into space (or possibly driving), my RAM made a connection between art being my way of processing emotions and my resistance to creating. If I was resisting creating, was I actually resisting something else?
To get a touch technical, all emotions have a function to alert us to events in ourselves or in our environment. Our lived experiences, biology and genetics, as well as vulnerabilities (hunger, lack of sleep, other emotions etc.), impact how we interpret and respond to these alerts. In my case (and also for many others), my response to certain emotions causes dysfunction because I am misinterpreting their meaning. Again, there is limitless information about the function of emotions out there, just hit up your favourite search engine to learn more. As my art is part of how I process my emotions, my resistance to create means I am resisting, or avoiding, processing something. I can’t tell you what exactly because working that out is a process too.
Awareness of how emotions shape and impact behaviours and tangible actions can give insight into experiences and processes which are intangible and often overwhelming. For me, resistance to create tells me I have emotions that I am not processing. For others it might be a pile of unwashed clothes or seeking certain foods. Being mindful and finding awareness of YOU and your indicators can make a big difference to the experience and duration of low and down periods. For me, this one has been going for 2 weeks, which is a long way from the 6-8 months that these periods use to last. A big part of this progress hasn’t been expressing my emotions through my art, it has been about building awareness around how I approach my art.
TL;DR I haven’t been doing stuff lately and that is totally fine.