When I committed to fortnightly posts way back at the start of the year (only a smidge sarcastic, it is already March), I made a list of topic ideas which I have been adding to pretty consistently. I was genuinely concerned that I would run out of things to write and wanted to make sure I had plenty of back up plans.
So when I say that this post is going to be a series of rambling paragraphs, please don’t think it is because I am ill prepared. It is because life happened and I am trying to stick to my plans while the ground constantly shifts beneath me. I feel like a surfing analogy of being prepared to ride whatever the sea throws at you works.
I have had no time to paint, no space to create, and constant guilt about it. I use to think that if I just stuck to my convictions things would fall into place. And I suppose they do, but they do that at their own pace and not at mine. Sometimes things need to go on hold whole you work through other things, but putting things on hold usually means shifting them to the pile where unfinished ideals go to die rather than the ‘to-do, will-do’ pile.
I struggle with this a lot in my art work. I often start a piece and the mood I am in, the events surrounding it, the weather, what I ate, and many other things all contribute to the vibe of that piece. Then I have to stop for the day or for a few days and when I come back I am just not in the same space. The original emotion just isn’t there or is completely different. Sometimes this works and find I am in a headspace where I can pick up and flow with it. Sometimes I just can not see a way around what is laying there in my foundations.
I have found in these moments that being aware of the space where my emotions and feeling exist is very important. Sensations, thoughts and experiences are all moments simply passing through my consciousness, I choose which ones to focus on at any given time. Some are louder than others, but my many experiences have shown me that I can select and choose what I react to most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes this feels almost superhuman but I am getting better at it.
Creating art across days, weeks or more is similar but instead of selecting which emotion I will focus on or let go, I instead need to evoke emotions and sensations of my past. Somedays this is easier, somedays it is better to just let it go and work on another piece. There is a process of knowing when to accept and when to resist this pushing and pulling. I don’t think there is a formula for that. It is just an inner knowing.
What I think I’m getting at is that the process of creating art has given me a plethora insights and related wanky metaphors for how I approach life. So as I sit here unsure of what I am doing, I can see that what I actually need to do it take a breath, look at what is in front of me and evoke the sensations I know I am capable of in order to be exactly who I need to be right now. I will get it right, I will get it wrong, I will make a mess, I will loose battles to win wars. I’ll no doubt loose wars too.
And through all of it, each artwork I create is a checkpoint for where I have been and where I hope to go. If I’m not painting now, I can still say I have painted in the past and am on my way to paint in the future.