Last weekend I did something radical. I went on a mini vacation. No, not radical because of COVID, radical because I have So. Much. To. Do T_T
The trip away was instigated by a show I was part of in Newcastle. I love Newcastle and I don’t like to drive home late at night after a gig. I had also talked extensively to my therapist about how I would give myself a mini vacation as a way to congratulate myself on finishing my studies. At the time I booked it, I thought it would be fine. Little did I realise that I would have more business come through my art and design work than I was anticipating. I also have a couple of projects looming over me since earlier this year. They aren’t *too* pressing, and all involved knew I would be focusing on these after my studies, but I still want to get going on them.
And it isn’t like I haven’t had time to do these things prior to me going away. It is just I have been really lacking motivation to get them started. Either I would go to start and then find myself feeling overwhelmed, or I would feel overwhelmed and just procrastinate form ever starting. I have been like this for most of the year, I have struggled to find passion in creating. Once I start, no problem, but getting started has been an exhaustive struggle.
So I packed my bags for this weekend away and thought I could use the time by the pool doing some prelim sketches or research. Then I started to panic and feel overwhelmed and knew that I was going to struggle to do these things despite my best intentions. I remembered that I used to find I had the greatest success and growth in the path of least resistance. As I tossed this idea around in my head, I found a compromise with anxiety and opted just to take some drawing tools. That way I was still ‘practicing’ even though I wasn’t doing the specific work I felt I needed to.
The show came and went. I headed back to my hotel room thinking about how I would productively draw the next day but do it down by the beach or next to the pool.
And then I slept. Oh how I slept! Since it was a holiday I didn’t set and alarm and found myself stretching and peeling my eyes open…at 1pm. And I was still tired. I went for a walk to a near by shop for some snacks. I read by the pool (intending to get to my ‘relaxing’ drawing after this). I returned to my room, ate something then thought I would jump in the spa bath before I settled into some drawing. A nice, long, hot bath later and at about 5pm I lay on the bed for just a moment…then it was 9pm. At this point, I realised there was something more at play here and I took some time to sit with this feeling of ‘having’ to draw. I’m an artist right? I do what I love, I should always want to create and make and even when it isn’t for work, it should be my endless passion. But then I had to ask myself- should it?
Some of my biggest breakthroughs in my art came following time away, time doing something other than creating a final product. I have always believed that art is the journey, not the result. Even when I work on pieces for other people, I want to be able to bring that sense of journey into the work. This means, as I already knew, I need to focus more on the present and finding flow and rhythm rather than forcing a socially measurable workload. I felt calm when I remembered this. I felt that I found a clearing where creativity is born. And I hadn’t lifted a pencil.
I ate more cheese, watched some random T.V. then fell back to sleep close to 10pm. I woke up naturally at 8 the next morning feeling like I had slept for the first time in months. I took my time getting ready, checked out and then made my way to one of my favourite beaches and breakfast spots. As if it was meant to be, there was a surf comp on. I sat, I read, I ate, I watched. I thought no more about how I was wasting time. This space and idleness is where creativity is born and I was exactly where I needed to be.
Great post lovely!