I don’t think I’ve ever been a person who lives their life decisively. I have certainly taken some decisive actions and done decisive things. But as for the day to day life monotony, I’ve really just left it to do what it does. Decisive moments only came as a very last resort or when I desperately wanted something. I’ve attempted to live a more decisive life many times- who hasn’t started new diets and exercise or lifestyle routines with the intention of taking charge of things? But eventually the ease of floating along always won the battle for my time.
Floating is my default, my comfort state, where I feel like I can just sit back and release that tight hold that always made me anxious. A perpetual state of ‘I’ll just take a break from it all today’. Which is nice, but not much happens.
Now at week 12 of the Artist’ Way, one month into regular 4am gym visits, a wait list for commissions and, last but not least, taking real ownership of my art projects and myself as an artist, I think I can say I am living very decisively. And I am beginning to feel that little voice starting to wonder if there is an end point when I can go back to binge watching Netflix’s and eating donuts for days on end.
Getting started isn’t the struggle, it is persistence in the monotony of it. It is so easy to commit to a one off or short run of excitement, but day to day steady effort isn’t nearly as sexy or appealing.
I keep repeating to myself that this is a lifestyle choice. I can see how much I am benefiting from these changes, and how far I can go if I stick with them. I am excited about that. When I wake up at 3:30am and want to go back to sleep, I take a lesson I heard from Jocko Wilnik in a podcast and say ‘I’ll take a break tomorrow if I still feel like I need it”. I never do. Once I’m at the gym, I’m good.
Everyday I push a little more, I run a little further, I keep working on that study despite wanting to start again, or I set a new small challenge to get where I want to be. At the moment, I’m working on reducing the idle time I spend looking at my phone and replacing it with reading, writing, or even (gasp) just being bored.
So although I’m past the stage of new and exciting and heading into the ‘monotonous persistence’ phase, there is still so much happening. And I must remember that this is the phase where genuine and long lasting change happens.