This week I said ‘no’. This is not revolutionary- how often are we told that ‘no’ is an empowering word? How many of us wish we could say it more?
I’ve said no before, I have said no plenty of times. However, the ‘no’ was always accompanied by buffers or covered in implication: ‘No, I’m so sorry’; ‘I can’t make that time, I wish I could’; ‘Oh no, maybe another time’. Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I legitimately mean each of those statements (friends- I am looking at you!) but there are also times when I simply don’t know how to effectively advocate for myself and these statements are an easy way out.
So this week, when I was offered an opportunity I initially said ‘yes, I am available, can you tell me more?’. So far, so good. The response back quickly showed that the scope of the opportunity was much, much bigger than I had anticipated.
Old style step #1: Panic because ‘I said yes so I need to figure out a way to make it work’. After I sat with this thought and the emotion passed, I remembered the Personal Bill of Rights that my therapist gave me. One of these Rights is “I have the right to change my mind”. I sat with that for a while and as that idea bubbled inside my mind, I checked the facts and saw I hadn’t changed my mind. I had reassessed now that I had more information. With this new information, I knew I didn’t have capacity to take on what was being asked, nor did I want to, and I needed to accept that.
Old style step #2: Get out of it by saying something else had come up and I can’t do it any more. Again, at times this can be a perfectly realistic, safe and appropriate way to handle a situation. Unfortunately, my DBT skills stepped in and whispered ‘but isn’t this a great opportunity to practice some DEAR FAST skills and hold to your values of integrity?’. DBT taught me that practicing these things in lower risk settings builds skills so you can use them in more intense situations when they arise. I had very little to loose from being honest, direct and clear.
So I composed myself and replied that I don’t have capacity to do what was asked so I would be unable to take the opportunity. At that point every cell in my body tried to have me add ‘I am so sorry and I hope it works out’. I typed and deleted the line serval times. I had nothing to apologise for, I was simply saying no to a business situation that would not serve me and that I had not agreed to take on yet. I held my breath, deleted the sorry and pressed ‘send’.
And that was that… Except for the guilt that continued to bubble to the surface in the days following. It has been physically exhausting to challenge that part of me that wants to buffer, smooth and apologise so that I won’t be disliked, even when the situation does not serve me. It has felt a little like a detox. That is what surprised me the most- just how much of that sensation for the desire to people please is held in my body. Which makes me wonder, how have these thoughts and emotions impacted my body in ways I can not see? In turn, this raises the thought- will building the strength and skills to say ‘no’ heal me? I’m sure I will continue to think on this. In the meantime, I am heading back to bed with comfort movies and tea. The healing continues.