Content warning- I talk a lot about death in this post.
I will start with admitting that I skipped out on my post last fortnight. I was also meant to send a monthly email which didn’t happen. I’ve had to take some steps back from all my plans over this last month as several things have caught up with me. You know how it goes, life events lead to crisis management leads to mishandling things leads to other parts of life unraveling. It’s hard not to feel like everything is falling apart when I know that in reality I just have tried to manage too many things rather than pause and take a breath to process. Since everything in our society is geared to ‘now, now, now’ and a ‘everything is possible if you just work harder’ mentality, pressing pause is less of an option than complete burnout.
I want this little corner of the internet to be about my creative journey and processes, not a space where I talk excessively about my mental health. There are many articles, blogs and commentary out there which explore art and mental health. I don’t think I can say anything new but my approach to my art is often where I find insight into my current state of mind and how to move through and manoeuvre around cycles. Posting here is just going to be part of the process.
I haven’t been painting or creating much, other things tend to take priority lately. When I have sat down to paint I have been distracted and unable to fully focus and engage for longer than 10 minutes at a time. I am constantly seeking for any stimulus to take me outside of myself- food, caffeine, Netflix, alcohol, social media. I think stopping and creating, or just stopping, is an invitation for an overwhelming amount of emotion to flood me. I have slowed to a level of numbed survival, doing just enough to present some level of functioning and anything outside that makes me feel like I am spiralling. This is not my first rodeo, but every time this happens I notice too late.
Lucky for me, my partner gave me a few words of tough love and I realised I really had stopped trying. After a very painful discussion it became apparent that where I am has been a carry on effect from burning out last November. I used to spend a lot of time really exploring my thoughts and processes. It was intense but I got to resolutions quickly. Since late last year I have been hiding from even myself.
So I started reflecting, and sleeping, and processing, and sleeping more. I started reading and listening to authors and speakers who had pulled me through in the past**. I revisited DBT skills and tried to pull at small treads so I could find the core of where I have found myself. I wandered through fear of abandonment, object constancy, attachment theory, poor sense of self, lack of autonomy, and the physical sense that weighs on me when I feel into the future for the last moment of my life when everything is behind me and nothing is in front. And where I landed after this particular journey, was at anxiety. Despite all I have worked through, I have never thought much on anxiety. There were too many other things going on and anxiety seemed the most tame of all my concerns. I imagined it would sort itself out once other things were sorted. I’m now wondering if I have done it the wrong way, that if I tackle my anxiety maybe the other things will become more manageable.
I imagine that most everyone feels anxiety. It is woven into our very make up to be alert to potential danger which might kill us, and one day something most certainly will. That something might even be our own bodies, which ironically are the very reason we are anxious in the first place. For me, if I trace anything I am anxious about far enough, it’s root is in avoiding or lessening my impending demise:
1. I won’t be able to finish that work task on time 2. My work will think I am bad at my job 3. They will push me out of the role or fire me 4. I won’t have a job 5. I won’t be able to support myself 6. If I can’t support myself now how will I be able to when I am old 7. I’ll age horribly without support 8. I’ll die alone having amounted to nothing 9. I’m going to die…sure, I know I skipped a few steps, but my brain doesn’t even need to work through all the steps and is very skilled at jumping from a to z in a heart beat.
How to tackle something that is just there, that is almost as natural as being human? Nothing I have found is revolutionary. Eat well, exercise, manage micro routines, mindfulness, gratitude. All of which have been wonderful and effective tools, when I am able to use them.
For now, it appears I have no resolution for this post to end on. I have spent the last two days painting and contemplating and can feel my headspace open up a little. I’m not really ready to start tackling what is next in being able to pull myself through. So I will wait and be patient and see where I am again in two weeks time. Till then.
**Side note- if you don’t already, I highly recommend following Maria Popova at Brain Pickings. This incredible woman reads and shares some of the most poignant and moving writings and thoughts from people throughout history- more than once I have had the perfect story or thought come onto my feed from her posts.